dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
