Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
