No awkward lesbian experiences without me
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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