If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
