come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
