dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
