i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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