I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Sext me about skeletons
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
