Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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