Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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