walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
