its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
