chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
