I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So much rum. So many feels.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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