I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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