Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
