Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
