my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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