i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
