dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
