You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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