I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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