I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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