my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
