Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
