Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
