I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
