btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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