Moan for me like Helen Keller
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
