I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
