anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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