AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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