I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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