You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
