girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
