there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
