would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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