Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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