omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
