i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
