so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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