So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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