I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
