You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
