My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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