When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So many bounce houses so little time
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
