Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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