I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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