I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They have beer where we have blood.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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