I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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